Hello everyone, welcome back to my blog!
Well, it’s Christmas day, and that always brings up a lot of feelings. Some good, some bad. I’m sure that’s the same for everyone! I find I do a lot of reflecting on my year at this time, and just after New Years day (when I’m a little more sober).
I hope you all had a fantastic year! But still have some resolutions to work on for the new one.
Today I’m going to discuss a rather difficult topic for me to open up about. This will be a little bit of a personal post rather than an advice-y post so apologies if it’s not what you’re looking for! It’s also kind of a downer, not really a silver lining for this one. So if you’re happy and enjoying Christmas, There’s always Wednesday and Friday content coming!
I think about my best friend a lot, but especially today, because it’s her birthday. She’ll be 21. Happy birthday beautiful, even though you’ll probably never read this anyways.
So a little background information….
I had a friend that I made while in nursing school, day one, both of us awkward little girls looking to make some friends (as we had both already completed some school beforehand and were worried that everybody in our program would already have made groups, you know that same old high school BS). Well, as the weeks passed, we started to get closer and closer. We were in all of our classes together, and just fit together like an easy to solve puzzle. She made me laugh harder than most people could, she was my little ray of sunshine on the hard days. When I was having a particularly tough day, I always looked forward to seeing my new-found best friend. When I felt like I wasn’t smart enough to be in the program (every damn day), she would reassure me that I was exactly where I supposed to be and took care of my mental health without really knowing what she was doing. She was that good. We’d spend time studying (aka me crying on the floor and the exchange of “you’re my best friend” that inevitably happens at some point in friendship, and talking about how our kids would be best friends). These memories just haunt me now.
Well of course, as time passed I bottled up my feelings from everything happening in my life, such as losing touch with my friends from high school, my longest relationship ending not so well, and dealing with being in a program I wasn’t sure if I could handle. All these feelings alongside my terrible self-care came to the surface while I was living with some “friends” from school (including my best friend). A mixture of not taking my medications or seeking therapy for some intense feelings, having the usual roommate issues and feeling “misunderstood” or socially unfit, I broke down. I started isolating myself and pushing my friends away (much like with my high school friends, a story for another day), and history repeated itself without my awareness because I was so incredibly unstable, being delusional and telling myself that everyone was out to get me and wanted to hurt me. Well of course this ended with me moving out and my friends feeling pretty hurt. Including the person who made me feel the happiest. Months passed without contact, and me spending my birthday alone just feeling sorry for myself (ew).
Over time, I saw a psychiatrist and got some appropriate medications and resources (which of course I still haven’t used – oops!) and started to feel like myself for the first time in years. Of course that came with drawbacks- like the clarity of my mind telling me how awful I’d been. Realizing how wrong I was, it took me a while to get some courage to reach out to her, my then best friend, who I now nothing about (just the social media basics). We saw each other, but I could tell the walls were up. She’s just an awesome person who didn’t feel the need to punish me because that’s just who she is. I knew at the end of that outing that things would never be the same and I wanted to hurt myself for being so stupid. For losing the best person to come into my life in a long time.
We spent some time together at graduation, but I knew when I said goodbye, it was final. My heart broke that day. It breaks every day too. I always listen to her favourite artists or songs or just purposely remind myself of her, to punish myself, to maybe feel the way she did when I was hurting her. I always tell myself I deserve to feel miserable, I’ve more than earned that right.
This is worse than any breakup or loss I’ve ever suffered. I lost a genuine person, who liked me for who I was (well whatever I shared with her, I’ve always sucked at being myself). It never stops hurting. I finally understand the saying “it only hurts to breathe.” Because some days it does. Sometimes I wonder if she still thinks about me, even a little, but I know better than that.
Don’t be stupid like me, don’t take your best friend for granted. You lose your biggest cheerleader, confidant, lunch partner, and so much more. You’ll never be the same. It’ll hurt forever, it’ll haunt you, and creep up just when you think you’re having a good day for a change.
Sorry for the downer on Christmas, but maybe you’ve learned something valuable and will go contact your friends and tell them how much they mean to you, it’s important to do every day! 🙂
If you can relate, I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through. If you can’t, keep it that way!
Love you, keep those friends close,