Hello everyone, today I am going to write a piece on something I am not good at whatsoever, letting go. Of anything, really. I’ve been great at destroying things, and expecting them to come back to me. Living with a mood disorder is not easy, and most people do not understand that. Even though I wish I didn’t do the things I did, or say the things I’ve said that doesn’t change the past, or let me move past these things.
I’ve always had a “guilty conscience,” meaning I feel guilty even when I haven’t done anything wrong. So imagine the magnification of this when I have.
Recently I managed to reconnect with a very important person from my recent past. She’s a wonderful soul, and she’s taught me a lot about redemption and forgiveness, and being forthcoming with feelings. As I spoke with her, I realized that the group of friends I used to have, won’t be possible to have anymore. And that’s okay. They never wanted to actually know what was wrong, just put up a front of support. When things got real, they decided that because they were going through something, that it was impossible for me to be extremely unhappy and confused.I learned that sometimes, people are so wrapped up in their own lives and problems, they can’t even see obvious suffering.
So, do I want to spend the time, and emotional energy trying to make things right with people that might never “get it?” Not really. This may make me seem cold and unforgiving, but honestly if they cared, they wouldn’t have cut me out so easily. They would have investigated my difficult times, and acknowledged that sometimes we’re all proud and stubborn, and wondered, is it really worth an amazing friendship?
So although I’m all for full circle redemption and forgiveness, sometimes people aren’t worth the energy. I don’t hold and grudges, I just define the facts.
I hope you haven’t had to feel this way, because it’s confusing and exhausting to feel as though you was terrible and there’s no way to fix it. But remember, you can only be a better person tomorrow, not yesterday.
Keep moving forward, even when life gives you a good thrashing.