Hello all! Today I am returning with a blog about how I’ve been feeling as of recent. Lately, I’ve found so much happiness and I’m so proud of myself for letting it happen. Its not always easy for me to feel happy, as I am filled with guilt and regret usually, but I think I’m onto something great.
I’ve started working on ways to reconcile my past, taking the things that were eating me alive for years and breaking down ways I can move forward. I’ve reconnected with an old friend, taught myself to find peace in other ways (writing my feelings, working on music and spending time working on myself) and ultimately have been working towards being a better person because I can’t turn back and repair the past mistakes I’ve made.
I find an effective way to make myself happy is to keep busy. Not in a forced way, but in a “take on challenges and allow myself to try new things” kind of way. I’ve decided to write my nursing exam to gain my license, which will help me move forward and I’ve got plenty of things to do before school starts. I’ve also been throwing myself into my music, studying, and writing because I find these things important and also therapeutic! I know studying is therapeutic seems crazy, but honestly, gaining knowledge is exciting and makes me feel like I’m bettering myself which is an awesome feeling.
A big part of happiness is allowing yourself to feel it. I’ve finally understood this in this wild ride called life. Most times I should have been ecstatic, but I’ve let other people, negative thoughts or guilt and remorse get in my way. I’d have people telling me what was good and bad, and what was right and wrong for my entire life! (I’m very influenced by others) and this caused my negative thoughts to take control. For example, my friends would get in the 90% range in high school, and I was usually in the low to high 80s. These were still good marks. However, when they would get involved and look at my marks it would make me feel ashamed of myself and my hard work, and that I just wasn’t good enough. The negative thoughts were then created. I would receive a test back, with a result of 84%. Immediately I hated myself and told myself I wasn’t good enough even without the help of anyone else, and thus began my extreme unhappiness. I’ve already discussed my guilty conscience and remorse for past events many times, so I think we can infer how those interfere as well.
Finally, now that I have some space and distance from the past and those people who made me feel as though I wasn’t worth enough (although I’m not too upset with them, everyone is not always the best growing up and they probably didn’t know that I was taking the hits that I was), I have some clarity of who I am, and my flaws but also my strengths. Gaining this knowledge was paramount to my happiness and I’m so glad I’m making my way.
I know that being happy all the time is unrealistic and not always the best thing (without lows, how can happiness truly be achieved?) but I want to be able to hold on to hope. Having experienced happiness and confidence in myself I want to be able to make it a goal to return to this place when I’m feeling down, which is inevitable.
Keep holding on those of you in a dark place, and keep holding on to happiness those of you who have found it!
I love you all so much, you can do this.